This is the section that I will going into more detail about some of my stupid decisions, crazy experiences, and my battles with addiction! I hope that this will be the place where we can share our stories with one another so that we can learn, heal, and strengthen as we go. Sometimes I know it is hard to share those moments that our head was five feet face down in the dirt because our choices, but the more we share them the easier it is for us to see our mistakes, realize we aren't the only one's, and usually we are able to help someone. Life experiences or filled with so many beneficial wisdom for more than the individual that lived it. It is very important to find the good in any experience we have survived. There is no reason for regret, maybe it was just your destiny to live through that time and then share what you learned. Even if you only help one person it is still one less problem in this world. Learning how to humble yourself is hard but accomplishing it has so many inner unseen gifts. No matter what you have been through, what someone has done to you, or all that has been taken from you, there is no reason or excuse to lose the goodness in your heart. I will say that my life would be a lot easier at points if I didn't have the values and morals I do, but I have lost everything I mean everything, but the goodness in my heart. I refuse to allow the evilness of the world or its people to take my purities . I refuse to allow someone to control my actions and cause me to act like them because of their insecurities. It's kinda weird because I have fought so hard to hold on to my goodness and I have been through it over and over again. But at the end of the kaos I walk away with me pride and something they couldn't defeat. I pity the individuals that try so hard to take out the goodness out of their own life due to fear, they just don't know what the possibilities are.
Now on to my stupidity. I will try to some it up quickly and painless but honestly I can't recall one area or time frame that was quick or painless. Lol.. In fact my best friend in high school said that "If it's Going To Happen, It Will Happen To Jen!" Oh boy, she was right and my life is still like that. Eventually I am hoping that God gives me just a small break and then I will clock back in.
I was a wild crazy teenager. I could never be told anything.. I had good parents who always gave me unconditional love but I had to be stupid and go look for something more enticing. So at 17 I thought I knew it all and I left home. The next two and half years was a ride. The ride almost crashed but I ejected before anything fatal. I spent that 2 and Half years on such high. I was mixing so many drugs every night and day so much I couldn't even explain the buzz because I was just messed up day in and day out. I was a stripper that made to much money I would work for three hows party the rest of night and shop during the day. I think that the only night we slept was Tuesday and that was because the clubs were closed. I was so strung out that I could mentally feel the wear and tear that the drugs had done to my brain. When I could process a thought it was so out there I didn't always understand what I meant. I was scared!. I told my so called friends I had to come back to reality and I didn't want to party any more. Not an hour after that conversation everyone of my friends was begging me to go to party. Finally I got pissed told them I would go but no drugs. Words of Advice:If you ever need drugs and don't have the money, tell everyone you are quiting. It is a sure way to score some dope. I was so infuriated with everyone, I was far from sane and could not think long enough to pull a whole concept together. I flipped on everyone told them to go some where and then thanked them for showing me how much they cared and I got in my car and went home. I never touched a drug from October 1999 until March 2006. I went crazy for a good minute I had server anxiety, thoughts that I still can't make since of today and much more. I was scared to be alone for thirty seconds. The withdraw and shock was so bad I was to scared to go back to drugs cause I wasn't going through that crap again and it was at that point I understood the meaning "One A Day At A Time". I was more like one minute or breath at a time. It was the hardest thing but I told myself everyday "Tomorrow will be easier" and it was and then, it was behind me. I never thought I would see the day I would return to the drug world.
The second time around was much different. Instead of wanting to party I choose to get as high as I could because I could not handle reality. March 2006 a tornado came through my world and still hasn't left. I had only been married a year to an idiot i didn't like when we had gotten together 4 years prior but we had a child and I thought it was the right thing to do. STUPID!!!!!!!!!STUPID!!!!!!!!!!MORE STUPID!!!!!! I had no warning of the storm brewing. One day I was faced with the horrifying situation and acknowledgment my three and half year old son had witness and became a victim of the kaos. The initial shock of failing to protect my son was very difficult and staying strong for him because I was all he had at the time. The whole event was caused by selfish, careless, and ignorance of an individual that I thought of as family. I had this friend for over 12 years we saw the births of our children, attended each others weddings, in fact I was in his wedding. I thought the world of him and couldn't believe what I was hearing. When your three year old son has taken on the adult stresses because of family's bad choices and unacceptable behavior the world of guilt sits right on top of your shoulders. How did allow this to happen, why didn't I protect him, and how could anyone harm search and innocent child.. After about twelve hours of holding it together while my idiot took a bunch of pain killers , pasted out, the other parents in denial or hysterical, I called my mom to get my son. Talk about guilt, I had no idea he was going to experience hurt, especially not in the means that the event unfolded. Once my son was safe I said I going to get high on something fierce. My husband proceeded to do the same with the exception of NO NEEDLES NO HERON. That was never my thing and would not tolerate in my life. Of course the idiot did it anyways knowing the consequences. That night I lost entire life. My sanity was gone, I told my husband to take a hike, and had no idea how to handle a simply task like breathing. Within one month my husband stole my son (completely legal) took my brand new Escalade and set it on fire. He then cleared the house and disappeared with my son, who I had never been away from, for over a year and half. That time period was an unbelievable nightmare. It was at that point that I had to stay in outer space or I would have killed myself. I truly could not handle a moment of reality. Every friend turned there back or was mad that I couldn't hold everything together anymore and they were suffering. I felt like I had died and went to hell. As of today I think we are live in hell and if we get through this then we're good.
Days went on and we are almost 4 years later and I am sober but only because I am carrying a baby possibly. When idiot showed back up with my son I filed for divorce. In that time he has gotten a battery, tracking heron, a dui (drug), and 4 violations of probation charges plus canceled six finally hearings for the divorce and hit me with $18,000 in back child support for the time I didn't even know where my son was. I have not been able to be an adult about the situation and pay that bastard one dollar. He held a job for six months out five years, he collect my truck insurance, I bought a Toyota Tacoma, an acura, paid for his custody of his daughter and his 8 arrest during our relationship. I can't do it yet, so for the first time in almost thirty years I have no drivers license still know criminal history,still no kid because I can't get in front of a judge. The child protection people say "JUST BECAUSE HE IS CRIMINAL DOES MEAN HE'S BAD DAD" Isn't that some shit. My husband knows the longer the child resides with him the less likely they will pull him out of the house. Enough said about that, it is still frustrating and a battle I am coping with.
I had to come to terms with reality. How did my life end up here. Oh yeah by this point i had found out that my dear best friend was the one that molested his children. Unreal! Complete insanity, depression, guilt, and screw the legal system. How did this happen I have never mistreated, betrayed, or maliciously attempted to disrupt someones life. Why am I suffering so bad. Then it came to that difficult realization that "MY LIFE SUCKED AND WAS DESTROYED BECAUSE I CHOOSE TO HAVE IDIOTS IN MY LIFE" I didn't love myself enough to demand the same type of interactions that I gave. I didn't think I deserved any better. I also couldn't look bad against anyone in my life. It was comfort... IT WAS STUPID!
I tried to sum up my hardships and some stupid choices. You see we all do it. I never had a bad intention in my life but my lack of love for myself caused a huge scar on a lot of people. I am still fighting the battle 4 years later. All this left is to keep trying otherwise I have nothing. I still have no friends but a few but I am okay with that. I am just trying to do the right thing and not give up.
